Love and Relationships

Dealing With Abuse Is Not A "One Size Fits All" Solution

SOMEONE YOU MIGHT KNOW PATRICIA AND ROBERT When Patricia met Robert at their annual church social, it was love at first sight. They had so much in common. Sharing love for the ballet, music, food and most importantly they shared the same dream; they were both looking for that special someone to spend the rest of their lives with. Someone who believed in family, God & children--to them it was imortant to have a strong foundation. Both came from good, hard working christian families and they wished for the same happiness their parents had shared throughout their marriages. Patricia and Robert dated for over a year when Robert asked for Patricia"s hand in marriage. While telling her story, if only for a brief moment Patricia"s eyes reflected on a happier time in her life. Patricia begins when Robert proposed. We had just learned that Robert was offered a job as a financial analyst with a large investment banking institution. Robert wanted to really go out on the town and celebrate. I was so happy for him, I went out and bought a new dress. Robert was very secretive about how we would celebrate his new job. The next weekend we drove about two hundred miles. I knew by the highway signs we were headed to Chicago. When we arrived at the restraurant, Robert excused himself. When he returned he handed me an envelope. When I opened the envelope, I wanted to just scream out loud . Inside, there were two tickets to see my all-time favorite performer in the whole world, Tony Orlando. I couldn"t believe my eyes. And they were front row seats to boot. I could hardly get through dinner knowing we were going to see Tony Orlando. I have to say when we were seated for the show, I had goose bumps. After the first song, Mr. Orlando reached into the audience with his hand and asked me to come up to the stage. When I turned to look at Robert, he"d left his seat. I was actually on the stage with this handsome hunk of a man. Then he asked the audience for their cooperation for a moment. Then Mr. Orlando turned me around to the back of the stage. "Do you know this young man approaching," he asked. I couldn"t say a word, I was frozen. "Ladies and gentlemen, the person coming on stage is Robert and he has something to ask this very special lady." Mr. Orlando said hello to Robert, handed him the microphone and said. "It"s all yours my man." And then, what seemed to be before the entire world, Robert got on his knees and proposed. When I accepted the crowd of strangers stood up and cheered. Then, from the audience, my family and Robert"s family came up on stage to congratulate us. We set a date and married in our town church shortly after. Things happened so fast, with the wedding, sending out resumes for a job, and then trying to find a place to live. We were going crazy. I was so excited when I found a good paying job; everything was falling directly into place. After a few months, Robert began acting strange. He"d blow up when he thought I misplaced his shaver, or his socks weren"t matched and still sitting in the laundry basket. You know, stupid little things like that. One night, I had to stay late at work and finish a project. When I walked in the door Robert was sitting with the channel changer in one hand and a beer in the other. "Can"t you come straight home from work just once?" When I tried to calm him down he threw his beer and the channel changer at the television and stormed out of the apartment. The next morning he apologized for blowing up and said he was under a lot of pressure at work. He asked me to forgive him. A few weeks later, the girls from work made plans to go out for a night on the town. I didn"t think it was such a big deal. Robert was going to a basketball game with some people from work and I really didn"t feel like staying home by myself. When I came home, Robert had just arrived. "Where have you been?" "I went out with some girls after work, why?" "Those bimbos who go out and meet men like whores. Is that what you want to do? Is that what you like? Cause if it is, you can go out that door." I was stunned and hurt by Robert"s words. When I called home for some comforting reassurance, I was amazed as to how hard it was to lie and say how fine everything was going between Robert and I. A few months later we learned I was pregnant. When I shared the news with Robert, he was so excited. Then at dinner that evening he asked when I was going to give my notice at work. "I thought I"d work until the baby is born." "Absolutely not," he said. "No wife of mine is going to work while she is pregnant." So, at his insistence, I gave my notice and began looking for a house. I thought things would get better, but Robert grew more irritated and impatient. When we brought our son home from the hospital, the baby would wake up nights and cry and Robert would get upset. Nothing I did seemed right. If dinner wasn"t on the table the moment he walked in the door, he would scream louder then the baby. If my hair wasn"t fixed the way he liked me to keep it, he would accuse me of not caring anymore. If he"d call during the day from work and I wasn"t home, he would demand to know who I was with that day. I couldn"t understand. I loved him so much, why was he treating me this way? I continued to ask God for guidence, but somehow it didn"t stop the hurt I felt inside. When I went to my pastor, he told me to continue praying and to reach out to family members for support. So When I called my sister and explained what was going on, she didn"t believe me. She said I needed to pay more attention to Robert. So, I took her advice and tried to make things better at home. After our second child was born, I hardly left the house. And I had no time for myself. One night Robert came home from work late. He"d been drinking. He demanded I put the children to bed. When I didn"t get off the couch fast enough, he slapped me. "Did you hear what I said? What part didn"t you understand?" I stood up, stunned, put the children to bed, locked the door to the den and went to sleep. The next day Robert left for work before I got up. That afternoon a dozen roses arrived with a note from Robert saying he was sorry. For a couple of weeks things were great, but that didn"t last long. One night after I put the kids to bed he wanted to fool around. I was just too tired. I had been up for two nights straight while the kids took turns with the flu. When I pushed Robert"s hand away, he became angry, accusing me of having an affair. Then before I knew it, he pulled the belt from his pants and began beating me with it. I screamed for him to stop; the more I screamed the harder he hit me. Then he began shouting, "You little bitch, you little bitch, defy me will you, this will teach you. I"m your husband, you do what I say when and where I want, do you understand me." In the background you could hear the children screaming. All of a sudden there was a heavy knock at the door. "Open up, police, open the door now." Robert got up turned around to go to the door, he pulled a comb out of his back pocket combed his hair and tried to straighten his appearance before he answered. The officer demanded to be let in the house. He made his way around Robert into the corner of the living room where he found me hovering in the corner. The officer slowly helped me from the floor onto the sofa. Then he gave his partner the order to cuff Robert. "But you"re making a mistake, you can"t do this, what do you think you"re doing?" Robert said. He kept going on an on about his rights. Shortly afterwards the paramedics arrived to treat my injuries. Suprisingly, everyone was so nice. When the officer insisted I go to the hospital, I refused. "I"ll be fine," I explained. "And besides, I have no one to leave the children with." I was so numb and terrified, I didn"t know what to do and everything everyone was saying wasn"t registering. Here I was this grown woman, with two small children, a responsible individual. How could I have allowed this to happen? Why didn"t I see? What did I do to provoke this outburst? Why was God allowing this to continue. How much more can I take, I thought. Before the officer left, he gave me telephone numbers of where to get further assistance. When I got the children back in bed and settled, I sat at the kitchen table just staring at the sheet of paper that was given to me. I decided to give one of the numbers a try. When I asked about services, I was told that they were full, try back in a week. I continued calling the other hotline numbers. I kept getting the same response, "Sorry, we"re full." HOME, SWEET HOME Feeling as though I had no other alternatives, I decided to call my mom. I decided to go home for a visit. When I went to the bathroom to get cleaned up, I was horrified. My face was swollen and bruised, my neck, arms and back were raw and red with a lot of my skin broken. Then I called the police station where my husband had been taken. They informed me that it would be around noon the following day before he sees a judge and bail is set. When I got the strength and my second wind, I packed up the jeep with some of the kids" toys and clothes. We left early the next morning for my parents" house. When we finally arrived, my parents came out to help me along with the family pastor. The expression on my parents" faces was one of horror. My father wanted to find Robert and teach him a lesson for harming his little girl. We got settled, I sat with my parents and my pastor and we talked things out. The Pastor suggested I write down what I needed to do. And before he left we all got down on our knees and prayed togather. I pulled out the yellow pages and looked up legal assistance offices, women"s groups and attorneys. I spent the next four hours on the phone. Everywhere I called wanted personal information or history before they would even speak with me. Then I was told no one would be able to contact me for a few weeks because

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